I’ve been in a bit of a writing slump lately. Sometimes transitional periods inspire profound creative streaks, but other times they result in stagnation. My journal hasn’t seen a poem in a long while. But one thing that I have been doing is an excessive amount of brain-dump journalling. As such, I thought I’d share what I’ve had on my mind as of recent, not through the way that I usually do on my website, but through my personal diary. I hope that’s okay.
7/20/25 Today’s Sunday and Luke and I have made a pact to have a good day and not stress about job / $$ stuff and instead let it go and worry about it tomorrow. I slept most of yesterday because I was so stressed + anxious and I really don’t want to do that again today. I want at least one day this week where I can not feel like I'm drowning. We’re going to the Paper & Pencil shop over in Andersonville today because I want to get extra paper for my journal and also grab some little odds and ends. I really want stickers, particularly the John Darian sticker book because it’s so insanely gorgeous and very much my aesthetic. Maybe I’ll also find something magical. I really would love to have something unexpected but good happen today. I welcome it even! Undated Prayer of St. Clare: We become what we love and who we love shapes what we become. If we love things we become a thing If we love nothing we become nothing. Imitation is not a literal mimicking of Christ Rather it means becoming the image of the beloved. An image disclosed through transformation. This means we are to become vessels of Gods compassionate love for others. Undated Come love, make me better than I was. Come teach me a kinder way to say my own name. - Andrea Gibson from ‘Good Light’. 7/29/2025 I didn’t sleep particularly well last night but I feel good about my interview today regardless of that. I’m nervous, of course, but I trust my ability to channel that into charm instead. I love that about myself - my way of tuning nerves into something which can be used to my advantage instead. Not in a manipulative way though! But more in a ‘I’m an observer, not the one being observed’ sort of thing. Being a naturally shy + reserved person means having to find ways of channeling that into something more productive. Undated I love you on purpose. Every day, even when (especially when) the days are just another, I wake up and decide to love you. I fell in love through a force outside myself but stay in it deliberately. Why stay if not by choice? Complacency isn’t love, that’s what comfort is. Some find the two easy to conflate and I did at one time too, but I surely know the difference now. 8/12/2025 Today is my last day before I start my new job, which I’m pretty anxious about, but feeling relieved that I’ll be on a payroll again + have the mental security of having a job in this wild economy. As for how I’m feeling…I don’t fully know how I feel. I guess part of me is melancholy because a brief era of my life is over and I’m always scared that I didn’t make the most of it. As for mine and Luke’s vacation, I had a pretty great time. I do still want to move to STL but I suppose I can appreciate OP/CHI and not feel quite as stuck. It’s true that moving doesn’t magically change who we are because you cannot ever run away from who you are or your past experiences. For better or for worse. Luke’s grandma and I had a pretty special moment when she was discussing her mother’s death + how her mother tried to be strong for her + kept saying that she ‘would be better in the spring’ and how Grandma B saw her mother not long before she died + how she just knew that was the last time she was going to see her alive. Which is also unfortunately very relatable. It was crazy to me (still is, really) how much I can have in common with a woman born in 1929! But it’s beautiful because it goes to show that humans (women especially) are the same at our core. It doesn’t matter how old or young. Time doesn’t change humanity. Doesn’t change the meaning of loss, love, grief, etc. Which is quite beautiful. But…I should probably start working on some chores. My apt is a mess + it is very much stressing me out. More later!