I'm still here.

an unedited update on where I've been, and why.

I have had a hard time prioritizing writing lately. I’ve fallen into a kind of melancholia distinctly characterized by a borderline feverish desire to escape from the same mind that is holding me in a cage. Writing has seemed far too present a task for me to partake in. This isn’t new. I generally go through periods of maniacal writing, followed by periods of inactivity. This time, I think the grief of losing my grandfather in May has finally set in. It’s always hard experiencing the first holiday season without someone you love, and the reality of this being yet another event of that nature is starting to set in. Before now, the denial of him being gone was being channeled into the most productive period of writing I’ve had so far in my adult life.

As well as that, I have also been struggling with the balance between what art I make for myself, versus what art I want to publish here. This makes it sound as though I view myself as a writer who has a swarm of adoring fans begging for another word. Of course, that is not who I envision being. However, it is true that keeping some of my writing to myself is necessary, even when a sense of pride in my writing makes me want to share it. But there haven’t been many things I’ve written in the past few months that have stayed only in my journal, or on my laptop, and I want to change this.

Despite it all, I’ve been doing my best to find the light regardless of the reasons it has to remain tucked away. It’s true that I have a mental ‘disorder’ that requires me to work harder than the average person to maintain balance, composure, and reason. It’s also true that life has been throwing me an endless amount of curveballs over the past two years. Still, it’s my responsibility to find ways to cope. It’s a process that I’ll have to do for the rest of my life (a haunting realization), but I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to be a wife one day, a mother, and an active writer. Those things are so many years away, but learning how to manage my mental health now, at age 24, is important nonetheless.

The post is perhaps more for me than it is my readers, but I want to share it anyways, for those of you who may need to know you’re not alone if you’ve been having a hard time lately. My website is for the chronically sentimental, endlessly vulnerable, and sometimes unwillingly resilient. If you’ve read this far down, thank you. 💛

Portrait of a Girl by Thomas Couture