untitled.

I took a year-long break from posting on social media and it’s been exponentially good for my mental health, and thus, me in general. It’s been to the point where those in my daily life, (my friends and family), have noticed, and that means a world of difference to me on my bad days.

Recently, I’ve had this insatiable urge to post an update. This isn’t because of some deep-seated sense of self-importance. Rather, I used to be very open about my mental health struggles but never my mental health strengths. (In hindsight, I know that I used to over-share in life in general, oftentimes blurting things out before I even processed them myself, but at the crux of that was truly good intentions. I know of better outlets now.)

What prompted me to leave social media was experiencing every major aspect of my life changing at once. The details of that are incredibly personal and therefore unimportant to share, but suffice it to say that it was enough to make me look around and ask myself why I did the things I was currently doing, and had done in the past. It made me realize that I used social media (namely Facebook) in a way that was absolutely destroying my brain.

I could publicly psychoanalyze myself and lay out exactly why I was the way I was a year ago, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll share some nice things. :)

In the past year, I’ve grown to truly, honestly love the person that I am. I’ve spent a lot of time with myself, doing the things that make me feel like me. I’ve discovered that I really enjoy cooking. I cook for my family and friends. I’ve made a website for my writing that pushes me to work on my craft. I have made so many new friends. Some of them have seen me at my lowest, and have learned my heart. Other ones are fun to hang out with on a Saturday night. My deepest friendships have taught me what true love is and have become my new standard for romantic love even. They’re the personification of a love poem.

I’ve gotten promoted, twice. The first promotion was at a place that has since helped me perfect the art of letting go of things before they cause unnecessary pain. I’ve learned that letting go doesn’t mean you’ve given up. It means that you’re putting yourself first. And that’s okay. Leaving that particular job, as hard as it was for me to do, has meant getting promoted to an even better position at a different, better company.

I moved into my own apartment. It has so much beautiful, natural light. I get to listen to the birds sing outside in the morning. I call my mom so that she can hear them too. Most of my decor is baby pink, my favorite color. Being in my own space and on my own terms has done more good for me than I can even explain. I get to have a space not only for me to feel safe, but for my friends and family to feel safe in too. I love my home.

I’ve found that I absolutely love being a barista and am not ready to stop. I have customers who have followed me to my new job because they love me as Carlotta, before their barista. I’ve made mentors out of a few of them. Sometimes I hear myself laugh and get taken aback by how happy I sound. I’ve been around for some of my regulars’ best and worst times. They’ve been around for mine too. We check in on each other. Maybe it’s corny, but it’s true.

I have grown so incredibly close with my parents this past year, too. The role my mom plays in my life is easily the biggest. My dad and I have found a bond that I honestly didn’t think we’d ever have, but am so happy I do. Having my parents in my life is an honor and a privilege. They make me laugh in ways no one else can and have such profound wisdom that I am lucky to receive.

I’ve learned to move about the world with an open, but cautious heart. I’ve learned to set firm boundaries, even when it may be hard and even when every part of me doesn’t want to (people rarely talk about that last part!). I have made a conscious effort to fix the parts in my life that need fixing, from something like eating better and getting my body back to how I want it, to evaluating why I fall into certain patterns. I joined a program of therapy almost a year ago that has guided me and picked me up when I felt that I was falling. My openness is potentially my biggest strength, but learning to control it is what has helped me to change for the better.

Anyways, thanks to anyone who’s read this. I’m glad I’m here to write it. I’m happy to have changed in the ways that matter and I only ever hope that for others too.

- Carlotta