An excerpt from a letter, 10/25/22:
I’m trying to release you, to remove the attachment and let myself be free because I know you did a long time ago.
I meant what I said to you the last time we saw each other. I’m so thankful you did what you did. I remember now the nights I would toil away in my mind, trying to decide what to do about us. I saw something I Googled a few days before we broke up: “Should I tell my boyfriend I’m moving out?”.
Really, we were over a long time ago, neither of us wanted to admit it. Hell, I still don’t sometimes. As much as it still hurts that you said this, you were right when you said that I was young and in love. But you should have been too. You said a lot when you said that, and you don’t even know it.
It breaks my heart over and over again when I think about how much bad you really did to me. It makes me sad, mad, and everything in between. Almost 4 months later and I’m picking up the pieces, and I will be for a long time. I think you knew that and that’s why you hung around for so long.
I really want to hold space for you in my heart and love you in a way where I truly hope the best for you. I don’t think I’m close to that yet. You really fucked me up, even if it was unintentional, you still did it. But I guess I can try and wish good for you.
An excerpt from my notes app, 3/22/21
All I’ve ever wanted from a relationship with you is the things we had when we very first started hanging out; communication, time together, and effort. But between the fact that I have to grovel for reassurance, and you treat me like it’s wrong for me to need it, and how I’m expected to put forth 100% of the effort to make sure we get alone time as a couple, and you telling me straight up that I won’t ever come first above anyone else, and so much other shit, I’m kinda just really done.
But you never used to be like this, and that’s what I don’t understand. When we first started talking, you’d ask me all the time if I wanted to hang with you. We’d hang out in your room until the sun came up. I remember when we first started having conversations about our relationship if I told you I wanted to talk when you came home, you’d come straight in and sit down and talk. Now I can’t even get you to finish a conversation. That isn’t supposed to be just honeymoon phase stuff.
Me Googling “signs of a toxic relationship” because I feel like that’s what this is becoming is embarrassing. Me being genuinely put off from talking about our relationship to my family and friends because I know how bad it sounds is not okay.
You’ve told me before that you feel like I deserve better. Please don’t make me feel like that’s true when I look back at this relationship.
An excerpt from my journal, 11/7/19
I just wanted him to hold me and he did. I didn’t even have to ask. An arm under my neck and another around my waist, his fingers interlocking with mine. I don’t know how much longer later, but at one point I hear him whisper that he’s sorry for his bad days, that he’s afraid of doing/saying the wrong things, but that he’s trying to do things right with me. I told him that he doesn’t have to apologize for his bad days with me, or to me. So we spent the next 19? 20? hours cuddling, sleeping, talking. Time flew, but also felt like it wasn’t passing at all which is something he said.
But I learned a lot about him. I learned that he’s very affectionate, he likes to give affection. Once I show him that I like something, he’ll do it more. I learned that he’s very easy to wake up. Any touch, he’ll wake up. I learned that he wakes and bakes and really loves Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Ha. He sleeps with the tv on (which I already knew). I learned that when I turn to face him and snuggle into his chest and he rubs my head and brushes my hair away from my face, it’s my favorite place in the world to be; especially when he comes in from outside and his sweater is still cold from the air. I think he likes kissing my head and I like it when he does. He’s warm, but not too hot. His body feels nice. He’s comfortable. He feels like home in a lot of ways.