i wish i could say that the love i once felt for you was strong enough to make me the bigger person. but i can't say with any honesty that it does because, admittedly, i don't wish you well. they say that if you love someone, you let them go, but it wasn't my choice to let you go. you pushed me away, full-force, and i was catapulted into the world, before i was ready. it's been over a year now and i've been through all of the stages of grief over and over again. but the one i keep coming back to is anger, some elevated form of it. i will never understand how you could knowingly do everything you did... "i've been trying, carlotta, for three years." but you shouldn't have tried, you should've left me alone. i try to be understanding...you were only 21. but at 21, i didn't do what you did. i loved, and and i did what i could to avoid hurting you. you just didn't care, didn't take me into consideration. so, instead, i would cry while sleeping next to you. i would isolate to avoid telling people how bad things were. (you would wage a silent war against me) and we'd talk ourselves in circles when you'd finally speak. i wish i had the words to adequately explain the pain i went through, under a roof that wasn't truly mine... you had me but never really allowed yourself to realize you did. i hope you see us in the garage, teching me to shoot pool in August... those weeks in June when you wouldn't even look at me, shots of rum that night in April. but most of all i hope it's not her who haunts your dreams anymore. "i dream about you every night" in your journal, remember that? i hope i'm the one who haunts you now. i hope you hear me crying next to you, forever. "i'm tired of hearing you cry yourself to sleep, carlotta." i hope you feel me tuck you into bed, and rub your back when you were on the verge of tears, in pain. i wish for my name to be spoken in the house we shared until the end of time, so you can never fully rid yourself of me, because everyone knows i loved you more than you'll ever get again. the solace i find now is the knowledge that i've found a love greater than what you'll know, because the love you'll be searching for is the love you lost.
